Wednesday, December 17, 2014

4:00 Study break

A girl sits by a lake and she is cold. She is listening for someone to tell her to come home. Listening for someone to tell her dinner is ready. For what seems like years, no one calls. How are you, asks the Wind. Fine, she says. The Wind kisses her knees and runs his fingers through her hair. It's almost dinner time, says the Wind, why are you still out? No one has called, she says. I will wait with you then, says the Wind.

And so they wait.

And he kisses her neck. Do you know how to swim? Yes. Do you want to swim. I don't have my suit. Oh.

And they wait. 

And he holds her close in his cool embrace. Let me walk you home, dinner must be ready by now. We can't be certain. 

And they wait. 

Until finally the Wind picks her up. It's time to go. No one has called. No one will call. No one? No one.

I watch from the window to see Death on my porch. I gather my things and comb my hair. I stand behind the door waiting for something to happen. I hear a snicker and close my eyes. My hand is on the door knob now. The door bell's song plays through my house, joyfully bouncing off the walls. I open my eyes. The door bell's song reaches my ears and I turn the knob. The door is open, but the porch is empty. It was just another ding-dong ditch. 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Looking for my hoe

Cute girls in search of cute food ~

Enjoy this four month old adventure of Susan and I that I'm finally posting! Lol!!!!!!

They've opened some more cute things since I've last been there that I can't wait to see the next time I go.
I bet they've got it decorated super cute for Christmas too ~

Anaheim Packing House
440 S Anaheim Blvd, Anaheim, CA 92805

Cheap girl's guide to make-up ♡

Sometimes you don't have to break your wallet for cosmetics... Here are some tips and tricks I've picked up along the way

1♡ E.L.F.

When I was little, I thought this make up was for elves and thought it was super cool, but totally unusable (because it's for elves...). I later learned that it was for humans and "elves don't exist" ; n ;
E.L.F. stands for eyes, lips, face as it turns out. They carry all the kinds of make-up products that you can imagine at super cheap prices!
A lot of the make-up I use is actually from this brand. I always hear people complain about it's cheap quality, but I've been using the stuff for over a year now and it doesn't irritate my skin or make me break out. 

Pros: I use it (and I'm super cute so you know it's doing what it's supposed to), and it's super cheap! YEY!
Cons: Sometimes people give you crap for having the stuff for their own lame stigmas (If people give you crap for being sensible and economic and think that good things cost $$$ then tell them to eat your shorts.)

2♡ Have cute (non-germophobic, non-greedy) friends who love expensive make up/ makeovers

These are the kinds of friends that splurge on brands like Benefit, NARS, Urban Decay, etc. 
Sleepovers are a great way to get into their make-up bags. Suggest makeovers! Don't steal their stuff though... Friends don't steal from each other. Also don't expect them to share their make-up with you...
If you got A+ friends, they'll do your make-up for events like dances or parties! Getting pampered is such an esteem booster imo

Pros: Good friends! And also free makeovers! And also good friends!
Cons: It can be really gross to share certain make-ups with certain people so you have to be careful... 

3♡ Become a member at Sephora

What I love about Sephora is that every month they give their members free stuff promoting new things the have in their store. And when it's the member's birthday they always give them a cute cute cute free gift! God bless membership. 
To become a member, you'd have to buy something first and then they'll ask you if you're a member and if you want to become a member. Say (heck) yes (sexy lady/sir)! Fill out the information stuff. You'll get a cute little card. Keep it safe! The card has hella perks. I mean if you lose it, I think they'll just ask you for your email when you buy something.
Although I'm not quite sure if you have to renew it ever... I just assume you're a member FOR LIFE. 

Pros: Free stuff! YAY!
Cons: You have to go to Sephora to redeem yo treasure, and sometimes the employees are NOT fabulous and are actually douche bags

4♡ Testers

Let's say you don't have a couple dollars laying around for E.L.F, cute friends, or talking to the fabulous employees at Sephora... You can always use the testers. I don't personally do this, but I know some people who do and it works for them(?). You'd have to be really sneaky and quick to get away with this and I assume you can't do this everyday, but probably when you have something later in the day. You can only use what's out there and obviously can't open new things... You gotta pay, girl!

Pros: Totally free. 
Cons: YOU DON'T KNOW WHO USED THE STUFF BEFORE YOU AND WHETHER OR NOT THEY USED THEIR GRIMY LITTLE FINGERS OR NOT SO EW??????? Also an employee might catch you and make you leave the store. And sometimes what you need isn't there so... :/

 ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ 

Hope this helped all my economically conscious readers!
You're fabulous no matter what!

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Four years ago

you fucked me up, but now you have a gross neck beard and look like a ball sack. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Where I am

is not where I'd like to be, but it's where I have dug a hole wide enough for me to call home.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Outward; Part Three

"I am something that I used to be. I am never where I feel I am, and if I seek myself, I don't know who's seeking me. My bordeom with everything has numbered me. I feel banished from my soul."

He puts his hand on your shoulder. It's okay he tells you you don't have to answer the question if you don't want to. But you want to. At this point you don't even know if that's what you want. Do you want to go home? The question slams itself at you. Do you want to go home? The question grabs your shoulders. It digs it's claws into you. The claws pierce your skin and you can feel blood race down your arms. Do you want to go home? You don't know you tell him. The question draws it's claws back. There are marks where they were. Blood is still flowing out, but you don't feel pain. You feel good. You feel like a balloon letting off air. You feel like you're floating. Are you dying you ask. Detox the man laughs. You haven't heard a laugh in a while. Nothing here makes sense he continues but that's not to say any of this is real. What do you mean you ask. When you think something where does the thought go? Your mind the man says shoots out thoughts. Some are fireworks that explode midair while others only fall back down to the ground. They never go back to where they originated. Where do the thoughts go he asks again. You think. You watch the thought. It spirals into the air, a trail of bright red sparks. The sky is dark and then there is a crashing sound. You now see several colorful fireworks. A smoke follows them and you follow the sparkly debris. You're running chasing fleeing towards them. The man tells you not to wait for him. He yells you will do great things. Your breaths are short and your legs are beginning to hurt, but you have to get to the sparks before they vanish into the ground. Spikes of pain shoot up the balls of your feet into your knees into your thighs into your chest. The sparks are falling slowly, but you're no where near them. They seem to grow farther and farther away from where you think they would have landed. The sparks disappear. You stop running. You collapse onto the ground. Your hair is wet plastered to your forehead. Beads of sweat roll off your face and hit the ground next to your ear. You can hear your heart beat it sounds like a piano falling down a flight of stairs. All of the sudden you hear a whirling noise. You turn your body so you are now fully facing the sky. Asteroids of ginormous sparks slowly fall towards you. Are you ready you hear the man ask. No you say. Then let's go.
The ground beneath you that kissed your body opens up and swallows you whole. You slide down it's esophagus and pass through it's heart that beats slowly. You feel every lub every dup your hearts sync. You're in it's lungs now. They contract and relax and you close your eyes and hang out there for a little. You find a quiet spot near an artery. Bringing your legs close to your chest you've forgot your're claustrophobic. Surprisingly being here makes everything seem so much like a small box. Like a cupboard. Like a closet. Life itself seems to fit perfectly into the smallest jewlery box. Into the smallest coin purse. It seems to fit into a small cell in a small tissue in a small organ in a small organ system in a small organism. When you open your eyes there is a man standing there. He has a dark brown beard and is wearing a yellow suit. He looks familiar though you have never seen him. Are you ready to go he asks. You recognize him now he was the invisible man. He is the invisible man. How come you can see him you ask. You can see? Of course you can you say you have a dark brown beard and a yellow suit on. What color are his eyes. They are grey. What is your name you ask him. He opens his mouth, but closes it right away. It's time you know the truth. What a silly name. 
Lights flash before you. They are bright white lights. They flash in different directions. You're in a tunnel of these lights. They fly by you now. The man grabs your hand and tells you to keep close. It's Zeke by the way. Your name it slips your tongue. It's okay he tells you. You don't need to know just yet. When the lights stop flashing you realize you're in a dining room of a large estate. Sitting at the head of the large table is a woman with long black hair. On her plate a syringe. To her left is a tall man with small eyes. On his plate a sign. Next to him is a shorter man with a black eye. On his plate a gun. Sitting to the woman's right is a wolf. In front of him a bowl of water. Next to the wolf is a tiny old woman. In front of her is a pair of glasses. Zeke motions for you to sit across the table in front of the woman with the long black hair. 
Do you remember your home the lady begins. Do you remember your mother or your father? Do you remember the flowers your parents planted by your windowsill? No. No. No. Come now, think. It's a cream colored house you say with red shutters. Her name is Anne and his name is Wilbur. Tulips they planted tulips. No the lady says you're lying. You turn away stare at a wall. What's your name she asks. Sam. Lie. Why do you keep lying. She is calm. She looks you in the eyes she doesn't want to give you a hard time. You can trust us. Do you know why you can trust us? Do you want to guess? Your eyes swell with tears.

Because we're you. You formed us in the deep abyss of your mind and we escaped to the surface. We're all parts pf you. Parts that you love parts that you hate. The truth is, none of this is real. You haven't chosen a door yet. You are standing at the doors avoiding a choice whos difficulty is hard to determine. All this is a product of a wild imagination. Don't cry. Please don't cry. 
How do you get back you ask.
You never left.
There is darkness. A calm.
There is light. A cold chill dances across your body. 
There are two doors in front of you. The doors are both white and have a stainless steel door knob. You notice a glimmering light seeping out from under the one on the right and a subtle rumbling sound coming from the the left.  You can't see what's behind either of the doors, but you have to choose one of them to move on.
There is a space between the doors. It is a wide enough space. You're hands are beginning to sweat. Which door will it be? Right or left left or right. 

You choose not to choose. You run straight on into the space between the doors. Where is your home? You are your own home. What is your name? Your name is Lydia Victor and you run as fast as you can. You never look back. 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Onward Illustrations by Susan B.

There are two doors in front of you. The doors are both white and have a stainless steel door knob. You notice a glimmering light seeping out from under the one on the right and a subtle rumbling sound coming from the the left.  You can't see what's behind either of the doors, but you have to choose one of them to move on.

As you continue on your way you realize that you're in a hospital hallway. Lights start to flicker on a people start to appear. They're walking out of rooms and into other rooms in a synchronized fashion. No one seems to notice you're there. The exit signs point at each other and there seems to be no way out so you sit in a chair and watch the people go in and out in and out in and out in and out.

When you come up there is a figure in the bathroom with you. He stands a mere 5 feet tall and shivers with a gun in his hand. Before you can utter a breath, he raises the gun. He turns away and pulls the trigger. The bullet hits you right in the center of your chest. This is something his boss with pay him a little extra for when he takes your body to him. You stay in the tub and decide to finish your bath as he lifts your body out of the tub.

You call to the wolf. It doesn't budge. Eventually the wolf gives in and joins you in the water. On contact, the wolf becomes one with the water. You don't see it, but you know that you're not alone in the ocean. You can feel the wolf swimming in the ocean protecting you from whatever may be out there. The water feels good on your skin. 

Illustrations by Susan B.

Text message conversation:
Me: Do you have any words you'd like me to put on your behalf?
Susan: I guess just illustrations by Susan B.
Me: Is that all?
Susan: ._. I didn't really think about what I should say about them. Eh, it's your blog so just kinda say whatever you want ._. Like I said I just kinda did them from inspiration from your story, Spirited Away, and Natasha Allegri's work ._. ._. ._.

Thinkin bout after

Inward; Part Two

You're staring at your hands while you listen to the tiny old woman clear her throat. She's about to tell you something. A reason to all this madness would be nice you think. What is she going to say? What is going on? Why do these employees keep asking you if you need something? An answer is what you want to tell them. A freaking answer. She is out of the recliner chair and motions at you to follow her. She leads you through a large metal door with blinking red lights surrounding it. You're on an airplane runway now. She stops walking. It's quiet now. You're about to ask her what's going on when she tells you to keep quiet. For the your sake, you do as she says. You're quiet. Your breathing slows down. Your lungs expand one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, seven Mississippi, ten Mississippi. They compress fifteen Mississippi, twenty four Mississippi, one thousand and fifty four Mississippi. What's your name again? You can't remember. A man was holding it on a sign at the airport a while ago. How did you recognize it? Or were you just desperate for some attention? You can't remember. The tiny old woman grabs your hand. She whispers something in your ear. Just wait she says you'll be out of here soon. Her mouth didn't move though. How did she do that. Could she read minds? Can you read minds you think. Yes she says. What's going on here? What are we waiting for? Your ride is almost here she says. You're getting out of here. You're going far far away from here. But the ocean and the wolf you can't just leave them. They were you friends. You will make more friends. You will swim in cleaner waters and with more loyal wolves. A bus pulls up and you and the old woman climb into it. The lady takes a safety pin out of her pocket, pricks her finger, and drips two drops of blood on to the floor of the bus. The bus drinks up the woman's blood and her wound heals. She takes your hand as you look for seats we must all make sacrifices she says. There are many people on the bus. They wear business suits and talk to each other their words backwards. You notice the way they sit. Their backs straight feet planted firmly on the floor, eyes unblinking holding intense contact with their partner. Every now and then one of the partners won't say anything. All the conversations will then stop and the there will be a quiet null that oozes through the bus. Then someone will say something again and everyone is back to their backwards talk. What are they talking about? They talk about the weather, what Debbie did at the staff meeting, where they're taking their wives for their birthdays, the ending of Lost, D-list celebrities, what kind of cereal they switched to last Monday, what their neighbor told them, what grade their child got on their mathematics exam, new remedies for baggy eyes. They compare their suits, their shoes, their kids, their spouses, their incomes, their time shares, their majors, their minors. They talk, but they don't listen. They listen, but they don't understand. They understand, but they don't care.
The road is now bumpy and the bus seems to be both in and out of control. The bus is driving through a path in a forest. The branches of trees are scraping the windows. The driver you now notice is a tiny old man with glasses larger than his face. He looks like a giant pair eyes now that you think of it. His feet barely reach the pedals. The old woman you're with is facing in his direction focusing on the driver. Maybe their friends. Maybe they spend their weekends together watching cooking shows. They don't seem like bad people. They don't seem like anything. You're ears finally pick up on music playing in the bus. What is it? It sounds like a viola. You once heard one in a school performance. The girl held it's bow to the instrument the way a chef holds a knife to an onion. She would cut into it and like the odor of an onion, the sound would bring tears to your eyes whether you wanted them to or not. Where is the girl? Does she still play? There is a screeching noise and then it is quiet. The bus has come to a full stop. The business suited people get up and into a single file line. They're still talking backwards, but they keep their voices low. Outside of the bus is a doe. It is waiting for all the people to step outside of the bus. The tiny woman beside you tells you it's not quite time to leave you must stay on the bus. Once all the people are out of the bus, the doe stands on her hind legs. She is looking at all the people. She sniffs all of them. Randomly she'll push one or two of them to the floor. They will struggle under her, but she is persistent. One of them cries. The doe is annoyed and walks over to them. Her eyes are big and black. She stares into their eyes and they are hard as a rock. How is she doing that? She's just a doe? They could easily take her down, but they don't and that worries you. They follow they doe into the forest. The woman tells you that it will all make sense in time. The engine starts up again and the bus is in motion. It is going deeper into the forest. It's getting dark and you think about the ocean and the wolf. You wonder where they are and what they're doing. Maybe they've forgotten about you already. Found someone else to swim with them. You're mad at them now. If they cared about you and loved you why didn't they want you to stay. The lady on the bus holds your hand. Her hand is warm. You close your eyes. There is a crashing noise, but this time you don't bother to see what it is. There is a shattering noise, but you continue to not look. It is cold now. The warmth of the lady's hand fades. It is replaced by something that is hard and cold. There is a thud noise. There is another thud noise. Don't open your eyes a voice says. It is low and a little on the raspy side. You don't open your eyes. What are you you say to the voice. You are calm. Walk towards my voice. The voice is coming from the left.
You open your eyes you are alone. Can you see me the voice says. You're looking around there is nothing. Come on look harder you're right in front of it it tells you. You take a step back. There is a faint outline of a man. He is tall and transparent. You can see where he starts and ends, but the details in between are unclear. Who are you you ask. Where is the old woman. This is no time for questions. Why is everyone in such a rush what's happening. Stop asking questions if you already know the answers. But you don't know the answers you tell him defensively. You can't remember how you even got here. You can't remember your name. Lower your voice. Louder, no. Angry now, lower your voice. Louder, why. Yelling now, I will end you if you don't lower your voice you arrogant swine I will carve you up and I will sell your parts don't test me I have seen the world and all that is beyond you can not see me because you cannot see anything. You just want to get out of here. You want to go back to the life you had before this. Things were easy then. Your decisions were made for you you never had to worry. Do you want your life back the man asks. You think about that one. 

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

How smelling like pee for 20 minutes can make you the talk of the town (in a good way!)

Truth: I love all things concerning beauty, health, and fashion 
Problem: I am extremely cheap and am not to keen on putting a lot of questionable chemicals found in many products in and on my body

Soft, shiny hair is dying breed in today's society and I'm here to tell you that you need not look past your kitchen pantry for a quick fix! 

What you'll need:
  • 1 cup/ however much you need to make sure all your hair is touched of apple cider vinegar (smells like pee, but it works wonders)
  • 1 whole egg
  • 1 shower cap
  • A book or magazine of your choice (I recommend any of the Scott Pilgrim graphic novels)
  • 20 minutes
What to do:
  1. Make sure you haven't washed your hair yet. You'll need to after though! Put the apple cider vinegar in your hair. Play with it and stuff and make sure all you hair, from root to tip, is moistened by the pee smelling liquid. 
  2. Crack the egg separating the yolk from the whites. Break the yolk and run that through your hair. It makes your hair super shiny!
  3. Put the shower cap on and wait 20 minutes. Read in the meantime! Reading is very important!
  4. Wash out with cool water

Easy egg white face mask to make your face softer than baby buns:
  1. Stem your face so that your pore open up and the egg whites can do their job
  2. Take the egg whites and put them on your face. I enjoy using a little rubber brush that's probably meant to put steak sauce on steak to put the egg whites on my face, but you can use your hands... It's not as fun that way though... It's less messy too to use a brush! 
  3. Let it harden on your face
  4. Take a warm, wet face towel and dab the stuff of your face. Just a general rule, but never wipe your face! Always dab and pat dry!
YOU WILL NOW HAVE SOFT/ SHINY HAIR AND A SOFT FACE THAT'S CUTER/ MANLIER (for all my dude readers... I see you ;-)) THAN EVER. EVERYONE WILL BE LIKE "OH MY GLOB YOUR HAIR IS SO SOFT AND SHINY AND SO IS YOUR FACE CAN I TOUCH IT YOU'RE SO COOL!" Maybe the cool part is a bit much, but I'll think you're cool which is all that matters... ;-)

If this is your first time using apple cider vinegar, here's some things you should know: the ACV comes with a really strong odor that isn't for the faint of heart... Be careful not to spill it on the carpet in your parents room while their watching their evening dramas. They tend to get really pissy when you yourself smell like piss. Just avoid contact with humans and read when the stuff is in your hair. Trust me. But don't let this scare you, it's such a quick and easy way to get soft hair while saving tons of money on ridiculous products you can get at the drug store. 

Sunday, August 3, 2014

It's Versailles

Onward; Part One

There are two doors in front of you. The doors are both white and have a stainless steel door knob. You notice a glimmering light seeping out from under the one on the right and a subtle rumbling sound coming from the the left.  You can't see what's behind either of the doors, but you have to choose one of them to move on.

Based on your only two observations, you decide to go with the door on the right. As you open it, the light fades and everything goes black. The door disappears and now you have no choice, but to keep going forward. Once your eyes adjust to the darkness, you notice something moving up and down in the distance. You decide to to walk in the opposite direction. As you continue on your way you realize that you're in a hospital hallway. Lights start to flicker on a people start to appear. They're walking out of rooms and into other rooms in a synchronized fashion. No one seems to notice you're there. The exit signs point at each other and there seems to be no way out so you sit in a chair and watch the people go in and out in and out in and out in and out. It's been 6 days now and you've found that every time the clock strikes 7:18 a door appears and the people stop moving and a woman with long black hair gives them a sip of water and at 7:21 when she's done giving everyone water, they continue on their way. She walks back into the room and it disappears. You decide that today is the day you'll confront the woman with the long black hair. At 7:20 you sneak into the room. There is nothing in the room except an old recliner chair your dad always sat in when he would read the sports section of the news paper. The black haired woman comes into the room and sits in the chair. It isn't long before she notices you're in the room with her. She smiles at you and offers you a mint in her pocket. As you reach for the mint, you skin brushes hers and the room begins to spin. She along with the recliner chair disappear and you close your eyes. Once you're sure everything has finished spinning, you open your eyes and you're back in the dark room from which you began.
This time you decide to go in the direction of the moving thing. The closer you get to the thing, you notice it is a red jelly ball. The ball is moving side to side as if it is being kicked around by two people. The distance it travels along with the ball shrinks each step you take towards it. The ball is the size of a marble when you pick it up. There is a crashing noise and a scream. You call out to see what happened, but its quiet. Lights turn on and you're in the baggage claim area of an airport. A man with large, thick brimmed glasses in a suit is holding a sign up with your name on it. He doesn't ask any questions and neither do you. He reminds you of a garden snake in tall grass the way he walks through the crowd. He takes you too a room in the airport the resembles a fancy hotel. The clothes and shoes are all your size. You comb your hair and decide to take a bath. The water is warm and the you put in salts that smell like your mom, like lavender. These past couple days have been a bit much and have really taken a toll on you. Where are you? Where is everyone? Why are you so alone? Your body sinks into the water. It slithers into your ears and nose. You close your eyes. Your hair is now floating in front of you. Your mouth, the gate of the lion's den, opens and releases the lions who waited patiently in the darkness. When you come up there is a figure in the bathroom with you. He stands a mere 5 feet tall and shivers with a gun in his hand. Before you can utter a breath, he raises the gun. He turns away and pulls the trigger. The bullet hits you right in the center of your chest. This is something his boss with pay him a little extra for when he takes your body to him. You stay in the tub and decide to finish your bath as he lifts your body out of the tub.
You go down the drain with the dirty bath water and at first the walls are wet and sticky. After what seems like 10 minutes, the walls become smooth and soft. The walls cling on to you, suffocating you and finally spit you out into a room filled with mirrors of all shapes and sizes.You look at yourself in a long oval shaped mirror with a dark mahogany frame. You look just as you did before the man shot you. All the scars in the same places. You brush you index finder over one on neck as you try to remember where each one comes from. They all tell the same story of one's acceptance with their body. You didn't used to like what you were inherently given and you tried everything to be something you were never made to be. Do you remember all the things you put in your body to feel something different, all the things you took out because you were never comfortable. What was moving on like? Did you ever really move on? You close your eyes as your fingers brush over a scar on the backside of your head. It's small and you cringe when you remember how it felt when you would pick at it when it would scab over. When you open your eyes the mirrors are gone, but two doors you remember from before are now in front of you. The same glowing light still crawls out from beneath the door on the right and the same rumbling noise echos out of the left door. Do you dare go through the right door again? Maybe it will be different this time? You know what happens. Maybe you can change that upon entering again. And if things aren't going as planned, you know what needs to happen to return back to this point. What if the rumbling noise fades the way the light faded beyond the right door? You don't hesitate another second.

It is bright on the other side of the left door. The hot sun at the top of the sky beats down on your skin. You're in a desert. The sand stretches on for miles in all directions. Hills of sand seem to roll like waves. There is a strong wind blowing to the north and you decide to follow the wind. You have been walking for two days now, but you are not thirsty nor do you hallucinate. Your legs haven't given up on you yet as you are determined to find something. On one of the nights you hear a howl. You howl back to it and it reveals itself to you. It is a wolf. It's blue eyes cut through you as it walks continues towards you. It's bigger than what it seemed like, your heads are parallel and it's teeth as pearly white. You're cold with fear as the wolf circles you and sniffs you. You close your eyes as it stops and stares at you. You can feel it's breath on your face. When you open your eyes the wolf is sitting facing the direction you were walking in. The wolf shows no sign of wanting to attack you so you pet it behind the ears. It turns it's head back and licks your hand. The wolf follows you on your journey. It's been five days now and now your throat is getting dry, your legs getting weak. You stop to rest. When you wake up, you are soaring through the desert on the back of the wolf. The stars are bright and abundant in the sky. You look into them until you fall asleep again. You're on a beach now with the wolf. He doesn't leave your side as you get up to drink from the crystal clear waters. They splash around your mouth and replenish the your insides. The waves crash onto the sand and race up towards where you're standing. They kiss your toes and caress your legs. The wolf stays on the beach and watches you go deeper into the waters. You call to the wolf. It doesn't budge. Eventually the wolf gives in and joins you in the water. On contact, the wolf becomes one with the water. You don't see it, but you know that you're not alone in the ocean. You can feel the wolf swimming in the ocean protecting you from whatever may be out there. The water feels good on your skin. You let the waves crash over you and take you up and down the beach. You feel safe in the water. You feel small. You feel powerless. You've given in and let the water take you places you would have never gone on alone.
A soft voice calls your name from afar. It tell you it's time to go now it's time to go home. But you are home. The water has become your home. The wolf has become your home. What does it mean it's time to go home. Underwater you can hear the wolf howling crying don't go you're home you're home. Who does the voice belong to? The ocean now speaks. It tells you to go. To continue on your journey. You're crying now. This entire journey you've been alone and the minute you find yourself happy you have to go. The ocean tells you it will drown you if you don't get out now. You can't stay here it says. You're mad now. Why did you make me feel so welcome if you were just going to kick me out? The wolf is howling please stay with us the water will fill your lungs and you'll become like me and we can live in the ocean forever. The ocean tells you that you were made to do great things and to do great things you must go out into the world. You'll get bored of the ocean. You'll hate yourself if you don't give life a chance. The wolf and I says the ocean we'll always be with you. The wolf asks the ocean if it can at least give you a ride to the shore. You decline the wolf's offer saying that it will only make things harder when you get to shore so you swim there alone. Once on shore, the water flushes into a giant drain leaving behind a rock with the same color as the wolf's eyes. Before you go to the voice calling your name, you go to the drain and pick up the rock. It is small and cold just as you've imagined the wolf's eyes to be like.

Back on the shore is a tiny older woman. She takes you to a white furniture store where the employees consistently ask you if you need help. You follow her to the back to the store where there are dark blue recliner chairs. She sinks into one and props her legs up on an ottoman. You sit in the chair next to her.  

Monday, July 14, 2014

Addressing a demon

As you know, I am struggling with an eating disorder that I plan on putting an end to ASAP. As you probably also know, ending an eating disorder is just as easy as understanding rocket science. It is one thing to know you have a problem and accepting it, but it's another thing to want to end it. Most people tend to get "comfortable" in the holes they dig themselves into and find getting out of it just as hard or even harder than getting in. Eating disorders may seem like petty phases some teenage girls go through because they want attention, but statistics show that up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the United States A L O N E. There are many programs and clinics out there aimed at providing help to people who suffer with an eating disorder, but the sad fact is they have touched only a handful.

When my parents found out I was bulimic they couldn't even look at me. It was hard to talk to them and I think a lot of it had to do with them feeling like this was all their fault. I'm not saying it wasn't, but to put you into perspective, I come from a highly critical Mexican/ Filipino family whose form of motivation has a lot to do with putting the person down. I mean who thought telling a 5 year old girl that she can't sit somewhere because her thunder thighs won't fit WOULDN'T motivate her to eat a salad. And when I would cry they would tell me to suck it up because they didn't mean it. That's actually hilarious. Did they really think that wouldn't affect me? Maybe it works for some people, but not me. What's worse is that in the apex of my ED days, I would get a lot of compliments from them and asking me what my secret was. Sure my waist slimmed down, but my eyes were always dark and my hair was falling out (being bulimic was actually one of the main reasons I cut all my hair off). For a long time I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I remember this one time, one of my aunts was complimenting me and asked what my secret was and my mom blurted "Well she's bulimic. Honey don't deny it, I can hear you sometimes." It was mortifying. On top of that was this unrealistic goal for myself that had to do with being the best and for me, part of that meant that I couldn't look the way I did. Getting that perfect hourglass figure was a goal of mine and I was willing to do anything to attain it. It's seems so still to me now that I'm actually writing it all down and processing what led me to this temporary demise of mine.

It wasn't until 4 months into it, in March, that my guidance counselor stepped in. She was very adamant about me getting my life together. My ED wasn't just affecting my health, but also my school work and relationships. After many meetings with my parents, things were beginning to change. I began to run everyday with my dog and drinking a lot of water. I would eat small portions, but 5 times a day. I never ended up seeing the therapist she recommended, but for once I was feeling hopeful. Although the thought of relapsing was always there. And it happened last month. Things were getting out of hand for me and the next thing I know I'm leaning over a toilet. I like to say it's different this time because I feel like I have a better grasp on it. I feel more in control. I have seen myself go months with out purging so I know that I don't have to rely on this to feel good about myself. There is hope.

I'm currently using this nifty little app called Recovery Record (RR) as recommended by my friend Hayden. On it, I can log meals, look at my progress, and I have access to meal plans and clinicians. It's free at the App Store if you're an iPhone user and in the Google Play store if you're an Android user.
I can't say whether or not this is actually helping me yet, but the app does help put into perspective what you're putting into/taking out of your body and however you're feeling.

I found this article on concerning recovery, help, treatment options, coping skills, improving self-image, healthy eating, and relapse prevention for all those reading this who are interested.

This is the part where I bombard you with cliches... Enjoy!
I'm not a certified physician or anything, but if you have any questions, feel free to contact me. I'm always here to listen. I for one know what it's like to feel completely alone. It's a feeling that no one should have to encounter ever. You're purpose has nothing to do with impressing anyone, but yourself. Don't compare yourself to others and embrace who you are. You don't deserve any of the crap you feel ever. You're not selfish for wanting to seek help. Remember, life is about progression, not completion.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Wes Anderson Crush Wednesday

If you don't know who Wes Anderson is, then you can count on me saying a rosary for your uncultured soul. That's all I have to say about that.

To kick off this new segment of mine where I will be trying my best to convey to you the pure genius of actors and actresses and the characters they have played in Wes Anderson's films is one of my favorite actors of all time whose aged so brilliantly, Bill Murray.

Rushmore (1998)
Need I say more.

The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
[after reading a private investigator's research on Margot's background, which reveals she's been a smoker since she was 12, she married a man in Jamaica at 19, has had numerous affairs and one-night stands with men and women, including Eli Cash] "She smokes."

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)
In an interview for this movie, Bill Murray said, "These characters don't have any controls on them, especially this fellow in Life Aquatic. He doesn't have any censors that say the next thing you're going to say might be bad behaviour, so you might want to hold that back and he just sort of lets go. There's no governor here holding him back and all the emotions are expressed. He is hit, bang, and out it comes which is kind of fun to play. You don't get to do that in life that often because you're supposed to obey some rules of politeness or respect and we don't have time for that in the movies. Wes wants to see the emotion right now so it's kind of a treat to do that." 

The Darjeeling Limited (2007)
Here Murray plays an unnamed business man who opens the movie running to catch a train in India. Spoiler alert, the movie has nothing to do with his character. He simply plays a minor role who's purpose plays into the greater meaning of the film: the Western habit of getting caught up in things. 

Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)
Clive Badger is the close friend and lawyer of Mr. Fox. In their friendship, he is the more reasonable and level headed one, disapproving of his friend's reckless behavior. Can we just take a minute to admire the time and effort put into all the little details of this film? ... Okay minute's done, let's carry on. 

Moonrise Kingdom (2012)
In this "eccentric pubescent love story", Murray plays Walt Bishop, a morose father and husband to a troubled preteen daughter who has ran away from home and a wife who is having an affair with the sheriff. If I might add, there's a video on the interwebs where he gives a drunken tour of the set.

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)
Who better to play the nutty leader of a secret society of top European concierges, the Society of the Crossed Keys than Bill Murray. This movie marks the 7th collaboration between Wes and Bill. It isn't hard to recognize the magic that is their partnership. One may even put it as a father/ son relationship made in Heaven.

That concludes this week's Wes Anderson Wednesday! I highly recommend all of these films and any film starring Bill Murray. I'm actually thinking about watching "Lost in Translation" later tonight with all this Murray talk. ALSO, if you ever find yourself playing Apples to Apples with me and you play the Bill Murray card when I'm card czar, you will ALWAYS WIN NO MATTER WHAT THE GREEN CARD IS. That or Samuel L. Jackson and Bruce Willis for reasons I choose not to disclose quite yet.

One last thing before I go...

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Toilet Thoughts Tuesday

Okay I know this sounds like it might be a weird post about bathrooms or very obscure things. The latter is true of this. I call this "Toilet Thoughts Tuesday" because as a human being, I have to poop occasionally (yes, girls DO in fact poop), and while on the toilet I like to think. Here is compilation of what my thoughts have been throughout the course of two poops I've taken today... 

  • Everything is constantly in motion no matter how in place they seem. Their atoms are constantly dancing, moving from one place to another. Everything is changing and no second that is or ever will be quite like the last. 
  • I wonder what the new Kim Kardashian game is like. A bunch of people are playing it ironically and end up actually liking it... Will I be one of them? I mean probably. I'm easily amused by the Kardashians. God bless 'em.
  • Senior portraits are today and I hope I don't look like a troll. Who am I kidding. When have I ever looked like a troll? A gremlin maybe. But a troll. Goddamn trolls are hecking creepy. Remember to look up cute trolls later. 
  • If touch is an allusion, that makes contact an act of defiance, right? Can someone be unknowingly defiant? Why can I feel things? Am I fucking myself? 
  • People whose sprinklers water the sidewalk instead of the grass need to rot in h-e-l-l double hockey sticks. We're in a drought you butt trumpets. 
  • Haha butt trumpets.
  • Can you imagine someone playing the trumpet with their butt?
  • Like seriously
  • Butt
  • Trumpets
  • I just imagine Jason Derulo singing "And the trumpets they go" and then this little hamster with a mini trumpet tooting along to the song. Oh hey there's actually a vine of that
  • It really sucks when you think about something and you're like God I hope it won't happen, but then someone is like nope it's going to happen, or at least I think it's going to happen too. Last night I was talking to Cameron and college/ future plans and the idea of breaking up came up. I'm not going to lie to you and say that I handled it pretty well. He talked about making the most of things till then, but then I starting thinking that if we broke up after all the really good memories we'd make, then I would be super messed up and bitter. But then if we broke up right then and there then we'd never know what we would have missed out on. Either way I'd be bitter. Maybe just maybe we'd be able to work things out and everything is going to be fine. I'm putting all my money on that. Agatha and Zero (The Grand Budapest Hotel, 2014) lasted 2 years. I'm Zero in this scenario. 
  • It's funny because senior year hasn't started, but I'm already kind of nervous of how it might end. We'll be going our separate ways and it'll be really good for all of us. The reality is that I won't keep in touch with at least half of the people I say I will. That's kind of okay with me though. 
  • I'm not sure where I was going with the last two thoughts.

And that concludes this week's Toilet Thoughts Tuesday! I'm sorry if the ending was a bit argkanfgirnDGN!

Here's a cute little picture of an apartment in Paris

Monday, July 7, 2014

Hi again

It's weird to think that this is my last summer as a high school student.
I'll be graduating next May and you don't know how excited I am. Junior year was a grueling year of pure and utter turd. School wise I mean. Socially, junior year has been one of the best years of school I've ever trudged through.

I should also apologize for not being active for over a year now. With school, I haven't been able to make time for this. I have been keeping a small Moleskin notebook at my sides always on which I will be doing a post about later (No promises though).

Basic outline of h-e-l-l double hockey sticks:

  • Creative Writing: probably one of the best classes I've ever taken. Ever. 
  • AP English Language: I can't begin to tell you how many trees were mercilessly wasted here
  • Spanish III: Gracias a Dios, este es el último año que nunca voy a tener que tomar esta clase
  • Honors Chemistry: A downward spiral of confusion and disappointment
  • Drawing: Deepening my appreciation with little details more and more each day
  • APUSH: It's like if Aphrodite ran the Underworld
  • Sacrament/ Social Justice: Debates and "what ifs" 
  • Calculus: The front seat in the middle row is the worst seat in the ENTIRE CLASSROOM
And on top of that, I frightened 8th graders while giving them tours of my school, played (and lettered (I know... I can't believe it either)) on my school's first ever golf team, laughed until I peed my pants on the Comedy Sportz team which is a competitive improv team filled with the cutest bunch of girls you've ever seen, shimmed for over 10 consecutive seconds while smiling and making awkward eye contact in the school's musical for the second year in a row, and was the junior class dictator, I mean president which you can imagine was interesting... But hey I'll be the senior class president this coming school year so I must have done something right?

Here is a list of 7 other things that happened:
  • I got a boyfriend!!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha yeah his name is Cameron! We've been talking for about a little over a year now and things are really good. Really really good. 
  • I cut my hair off. I now sport a pixie haircut that I don't plan on growing out anytime soon.
  • I developed an eating disorder which I continue to struggle with, but things are slowly starting to look up. 
  • My friend, Susan, got her license and car and this one time when our school was on fire, we told my mom we were going to the bookstore, but we ended up going to Downtown L.A. Another time, we were driving through a residential neighborhood in Pasadena really late at night and "Sometime Around Midnight" came on and we were both really quiet and we blasted the song and it was just like as if we were in one of those teenage movies from the 80s or 90s. We also went to Disneyland on a rainy day and let me tell you, those are the best days to go to Disneyland. Oh god, but this one time we got chicken nuggets at McDonalds... Not a pretty sight. 2 girls, 40 nuggets, 1 sauce, 5 minutes. We've snuck out so many times and it still puzzles me how we haven't been caught yet. Knocking on wood we never do. 
  • I got a volunteer position in the European art gallery at the Huntington Library and Botanical Gardens. If you haven't been there, I highly recommend going there.
  • I started running with my dog in the evenings
  • I found that I want to double major in agriculture and international relations, and minor in education. 
But anyways that'll be it for now. I have the last chapter of "The Kite Runner" waiting for me and I must tend to it! 

It's good to be writing here again.