Monday, July 14, 2014

Addressing a demon

As you know, I am struggling with an eating disorder that I plan on putting an end to ASAP. As you probably also know, ending an eating disorder is just as easy as understanding rocket science. It is one thing to know you have a problem and accepting it, but it's another thing to want to end it. Most people tend to get "comfortable" in the holes they dig themselves into and find getting out of it just as hard or even harder than getting in. Eating disorders may seem like petty phases some teenage girls go through because they want attention, but statistics show that up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the United States A L O N E. There are many programs and clinics out there aimed at providing help to people who suffer with an eating disorder, but the sad fact is they have touched only a handful.

When my parents found out I was bulimic they couldn't even look at me. It was hard to talk to them and I think a lot of it had to do with them feeling like this was all their fault. I'm not saying it wasn't, but to put you into perspective, I come from a highly critical Mexican/ Filipino family whose form of motivation has a lot to do with putting the person down. I mean who thought telling a 5 year old girl that she can't sit somewhere because her thunder thighs won't fit WOULDN'T motivate her to eat a salad. And when I would cry they would tell me to suck it up because they didn't mean it. That's actually hilarious. Did they really think that wouldn't affect me? Maybe it works for some people, but not me. What's worse is that in the apex of my ED days, I would get a lot of compliments from them and asking me what my secret was. Sure my waist slimmed down, but my eyes were always dark and my hair was falling out (being bulimic was actually one of the main reasons I cut all my hair off). For a long time I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I remember this one time, one of my aunts was complimenting me and asked what my secret was and my mom blurted "Well she's bulimic. Honey don't deny it, I can hear you sometimes." It was mortifying. On top of that was this unrealistic goal for myself that had to do with being the best and for me, part of that meant that I couldn't look the way I did. Getting that perfect hourglass figure was a goal of mine and I was willing to do anything to attain it. It's seems so still to me now that I'm actually writing it all down and processing what led me to this temporary demise of mine.

It wasn't until 4 months into it, in March, that my guidance counselor stepped in. She was very adamant about me getting my life together. My ED wasn't just affecting my health, but also my school work and relationships. After many meetings with my parents, things were beginning to change. I began to run everyday with my dog and drinking a lot of water. I would eat small portions, but 5 times a day. I never ended up seeing the therapist she recommended, but for once I was feeling hopeful. Although the thought of relapsing was always there. And it happened last month. Things were getting out of hand for me and the next thing I know I'm leaning over a toilet. I like to say it's different this time because I feel like I have a better grasp on it. I feel more in control. I have seen myself go months with out purging so I know that I don't have to rely on this to feel good about myself. There is hope.

I'm currently using this nifty little app called Recovery Record (RR) as recommended by my friend Hayden. On it, I can log meals, look at my progress, and I have access to meal plans and clinicians. It's free at the App Store if you're an iPhone user and in the Google Play store if you're an Android user.
I can't say whether or not this is actually helping me yet, but the app does help put into perspective what you're putting into/taking out of your body and however you're feeling.

I found this article on concerning recovery, help, treatment options, coping skills, improving self-image, healthy eating, and relapse prevention for all those reading this who are interested.

This is the part where I bombard you with cliches... Enjoy!
I'm not a certified physician or anything, but if you have any questions, feel free to contact me. I'm always here to listen. I for one know what it's like to feel completely alone. It's a feeling that no one should have to encounter ever. You're purpose has nothing to do with impressing anyone, but yourself. Don't compare yourself to others and embrace who you are. You don't deserve any of the crap you feel ever. You're not selfish for wanting to seek help. Remember, life is about progression, not completion.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Wes Anderson Crush Wednesday

If you don't know who Wes Anderson is, then you can count on me saying a rosary for your uncultured soul. That's all I have to say about that.

To kick off this new segment of mine where I will be trying my best to convey to you the pure genius of actors and actresses and the characters they have played in Wes Anderson's films is one of my favorite actors of all time whose aged so brilliantly, Bill Murray.

Rushmore (1998)
Need I say more.

The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
[after reading a private investigator's research on Margot's background, which reveals she's been a smoker since she was 12, she married a man in Jamaica at 19, has had numerous affairs and one-night stands with men and women, including Eli Cash] "She smokes."

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)
In an interview for this movie, Bill Murray said, "These characters don't have any controls on them, especially this fellow in Life Aquatic. He doesn't have any censors that say the next thing you're going to say might be bad behaviour, so you might want to hold that back and he just sort of lets go. There's no governor here holding him back and all the emotions are expressed. He is hit, bang, and out it comes which is kind of fun to play. You don't get to do that in life that often because you're supposed to obey some rules of politeness or respect and we don't have time for that in the movies. Wes wants to see the emotion right now so it's kind of a treat to do that." 

The Darjeeling Limited (2007)
Here Murray plays an unnamed business man who opens the movie running to catch a train in India. Spoiler alert, the movie has nothing to do with his character. He simply plays a minor role who's purpose plays into the greater meaning of the film: the Western habit of getting caught up in things. 

Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)
Clive Badger is the close friend and lawyer of Mr. Fox. In their friendship, he is the more reasonable and level headed one, disapproving of his friend's reckless behavior. Can we just take a minute to admire the time and effort put into all the little details of this film? ... Okay minute's done, let's carry on. 

Moonrise Kingdom (2012)
In this "eccentric pubescent love story", Murray plays Walt Bishop, a morose father and husband to a troubled preteen daughter who has ran away from home and a wife who is having an affair with the sheriff. If I might add, there's a video on the interwebs where he gives a drunken tour of the set.

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)
Who better to play the nutty leader of a secret society of top European concierges, the Society of the Crossed Keys than Bill Murray. This movie marks the 7th collaboration between Wes and Bill. It isn't hard to recognize the magic that is their partnership. One may even put it as a father/ son relationship made in Heaven.

That concludes this week's Wes Anderson Wednesday! I highly recommend all of these films and any film starring Bill Murray. I'm actually thinking about watching "Lost in Translation" later tonight with all this Murray talk. ALSO, if you ever find yourself playing Apples to Apples with me and you play the Bill Murray card when I'm card czar, you will ALWAYS WIN NO MATTER WHAT THE GREEN CARD IS. That or Samuel L. Jackson and Bruce Willis for reasons I choose not to disclose quite yet.

One last thing before I go...

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Toilet Thoughts Tuesday

Okay I know this sounds like it might be a weird post about bathrooms or very obscure things. The latter is true of this. I call this "Toilet Thoughts Tuesday" because as a human being, I have to poop occasionally (yes, girls DO in fact poop), and while on the toilet I like to think. Here is compilation of what my thoughts have been throughout the course of two poops I've taken today... 

  • Everything is constantly in motion no matter how in place they seem. Their atoms are constantly dancing, moving from one place to another. Everything is changing and no second that is or ever will be quite like the last. 
  • I wonder what the new Kim Kardashian game is like. A bunch of people are playing it ironically and end up actually liking it... Will I be one of them? I mean probably. I'm easily amused by the Kardashians. God bless 'em.
  • Senior portraits are today and I hope I don't look like a troll. Who am I kidding. When have I ever looked like a troll? A gremlin maybe. But a troll. Goddamn trolls are hecking creepy. Remember to look up cute trolls later. 
  • If touch is an allusion, that makes contact an act of defiance, right? Can someone be unknowingly defiant? Why can I feel things? Am I fucking myself? 
  • People whose sprinklers water the sidewalk instead of the grass need to rot in h-e-l-l double hockey sticks. We're in a drought you butt trumpets. 
  • Haha butt trumpets.
  • Can you imagine someone playing the trumpet with their butt?
  • Like seriously
  • Butt
  • Trumpets
  • I just imagine Jason Derulo singing "And the trumpets they go" and then this little hamster with a mini trumpet tooting along to the song. Oh hey there's actually a vine of that
  • It really sucks when you think about something and you're like God I hope it won't happen, but then someone is like nope it's going to happen, or at least I think it's going to happen too. Last night I was talking to Cameron and college/ future plans and the idea of breaking up came up. I'm not going to lie to you and say that I handled it pretty well. He talked about making the most of things till then, but then I starting thinking that if we broke up after all the really good memories we'd make, then I would be super messed up and bitter. But then if we broke up right then and there then we'd never know what we would have missed out on. Either way I'd be bitter. Maybe just maybe we'd be able to work things out and everything is going to be fine. I'm putting all my money on that. Agatha and Zero (The Grand Budapest Hotel, 2014) lasted 2 years. I'm Zero in this scenario. 
  • It's funny because senior year hasn't started, but I'm already kind of nervous of how it might end. We'll be going our separate ways and it'll be really good for all of us. The reality is that I won't keep in touch with at least half of the people I say I will. That's kind of okay with me though. 
  • I'm not sure where I was going with the last two thoughts.

And that concludes this week's Toilet Thoughts Tuesday! I'm sorry if the ending was a bit argkanfgirnDGN!

Here's a cute little picture of an apartment in Paris

Monday, July 7, 2014

Hi again

It's weird to think that this is my last summer as a high school student.
I'll be graduating next May and you don't know how excited I am. Junior year was a grueling year of pure and utter turd. School wise I mean. Socially, junior year has been one of the best years of school I've ever trudged through.

I should also apologize for not being active for over a year now. With school, I haven't been able to make time for this. I have been keeping a small Moleskin notebook at my sides always on which I will be doing a post about later (No promises though).

Basic outline of h-e-l-l double hockey sticks:

  • Creative Writing: probably one of the best classes I've ever taken. Ever. 
  • AP English Language: I can't begin to tell you how many trees were mercilessly wasted here
  • Spanish III: Gracias a Dios, este es el último año que nunca voy a tener que tomar esta clase
  • Honors Chemistry: A downward spiral of confusion and disappointment
  • Drawing: Deepening my appreciation with little details more and more each day
  • APUSH: It's like if Aphrodite ran the Underworld
  • Sacrament/ Social Justice: Debates and "what ifs" 
  • Calculus: The front seat in the middle row is the worst seat in the ENTIRE CLASSROOM
And on top of that, I frightened 8th graders while giving them tours of my school, played (and lettered (I know... I can't believe it either)) on my school's first ever golf team, laughed until I peed my pants on the Comedy Sportz team which is a competitive improv team filled with the cutest bunch of girls you've ever seen, shimmed for over 10 consecutive seconds while smiling and making awkward eye contact in the school's musical for the second year in a row, and was the junior class dictator, I mean president which you can imagine was interesting... But hey I'll be the senior class president this coming school year so I must have done something right?

Here is a list of 7 other things that happened:
  • I got a boyfriend!!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha yeah his name is Cameron! We've been talking for about a little over a year now and things are really good. Really really good. 
  • I cut my hair off. I now sport a pixie haircut that I don't plan on growing out anytime soon.
  • I developed an eating disorder which I continue to struggle with, but things are slowly starting to look up. 
  • My friend, Susan, got her license and car and this one time when our school was on fire, we told my mom we were going to the bookstore, but we ended up going to Downtown L.A. Another time, we were driving through a residential neighborhood in Pasadena really late at night and "Sometime Around Midnight" came on and we were both really quiet and we blasted the song and it was just like as if we were in one of those teenage movies from the 80s or 90s. We also went to Disneyland on a rainy day and let me tell you, those are the best days to go to Disneyland. Oh god, but this one time we got chicken nuggets at McDonalds... Not a pretty sight. 2 girls, 40 nuggets, 1 sauce, 5 minutes. We've snuck out so many times and it still puzzles me how we haven't been caught yet. Knocking on wood we never do. 
  • I got a volunteer position in the European art gallery at the Huntington Library and Botanical Gardens. If you haven't been there, I highly recommend going there.
  • I started running with my dog in the evenings
  • I found that I want to double major in agriculture and international relations, and minor in education. 
But anyways that'll be it for now. I have the last chapter of "The Kite Runner" waiting for me and I must tend to it! 

It's good to be writing here again.